last 15th december marked exactly one month of us being completely apart. through the days i gained more and more strength each days with the support from beloved family and friends. his departure really felt like part of my body was missing, that i was paralyzed, both inside and outside. what's more with having to see him everyday in class, both pretending not to even notice the existence of each other, me lying against the wall and him walking pass me by saying out loud things to show he has really move on. like im not there. like he's not there. couldn't believe this is how our story ends. so tragic. not that i regretted it, i just feel like i have to find a way to feel sorry for myself.
i forgot where have i pushed away the athirah ramzi i used to know before i met him.
apart of me is still there, you can refer to my post in about athirah. but another part of it is somehow missing. like i came out undone, like some part of me is actually dead, like im not the same as any other girl i saw everywhere. i hate this feeling. i could hate myself, punish and torture myself for having this feeling, i could choose to walk alone and out of the blue cry in public, i could snap a couple who's walking pass me by and said to them "get a room", i could print his pictures and cut his head out, i could do millions other stupid things and then feel stupid for nothing.
to feel stupid is one of many free things you can get. no price, just the act.
and then i held my head up again, thought to myself, at what cause would i do these stupid things?
haven't i felt stupid enough to fell in love with him in the very first place and got stood up eventually?
sesungguhnya perasaan itu telah lama mati.
and yes, i need to stop feeling sorry for myself when i read all the annoying show off posts of how she loves him and him missing her updates in facebook, and who's gonna accompany my boring sunday when everyone's out and my besties are busy with studies, and whatever. come on la tira, tak boleh hidup ke takde boyfriend? pfft.
don't let your life ruined when it is practically ruined.
create another.
do things you haven't try before.
make everyone around you beaming and smiling with your lame jokes.
sit in front in class (cept lab class) and focus on what the lecturer says, not what you think the lecturer had for breakfast or did he ironed his attire before he came to work.
don't let your mind wander when you smell vanilla or saw an afro.
learn to fall in love with mathematics, not that econs or kaed guy.
spend wisely my dear. not more than rm10 per day. your parent isnt working anymore.
live healthy. jogging 3 times a week.
tuesday morning: jogging evening: swimming
wednesday morning: jogging evening: back from class at 5 plus, nak mati jogging lagi?
thursay morning: jogging evening: swimming
friday morning: ba ba ba baaaaaaaalikk!
eyes refreshment? sure you can do that but dont let what you saw sink in to your heart!
sebab saya boleh mati kalau kena tinggal lagi sekali. seriouuuss. sudah-sudahla tu.
postpone assignments? you can do it if you feel like you just wanna live in a cheap flat your entire life.
be nice, be friendly, be you. not what you think she / he would like you to be, not like some hot girl you watch in television. be athirah ramzi. they cant accept you when you've done nothing wrong, their issue to solve. not yours.
be lively! do not let people see you as weak. do not let him see you as weak. you are NOT weak. you're strong! you're a fighter! you lose, you stand up again and fight for your life! until the last day you held your breath, nothing will come your way to make you feel like dying again.
you have Allah, talk to Him. He will listen. He will understand more than anybody else. He will help. He will. He will. He will.
have faith athirah!
berkhidmat untuk negara.