the not so overwhelming journey.

today im goin back to campus. right after asar me, shifa and diba is goin to hit the pool. it's been awhile since i last swam, i hope i didn't lose the balance yet. been eating like dinosaur this past few days and acting out here and there. the signs are there, wonder why im late. hmm.

im feeling blank. nothing much to write today. it's like, my imagination is a bit withdrawn due to the series of nightmares i had last night. sometimes i wish i could just sleep without dreaming of anything. satan's work indeed.

to be true, i dont feel the anticipation anymore whenever im walking to classes these days. not because of him, trust me im starting to get the hang of it, but because the feeling of "this is not my cup of tea" is getting stronger day by day. yeah i know we can't choose everything in life..this is just my personal view towards this course. i know my passion is in another course. i know i can function better or focus more in that particular subject. being in there is like being in the magical world of athirah ramzi. okay i should stop right there.

point is im feeling less and less enthusiastic to carry on with my current course right now. this is not simply a change by heart, i was purely gambling my luck when i accepted this course one year and a half ago. i used to think i could actually survive in this course because of the job demand. and then when it comes to programming..i could barely create a simple code. and yes, im bad at maths ( no wonder dapat B4 addmaths dulu. ceit. ). believe me, i've tried my all to try to love programming, when i was in foundation last time i used to stay up quarter the night because im trying to adjust my steps starting from the first chapter in programming. Alhamdulillah i think that helped at least a bit, apart from the study group i had with my friends. managed to score an unbelievable "B+" for final. it's not like i can actually DIE or anything if i stay in this course..i know, if i study hard enough, i could really score an A. the thing is, im feeling less anticipated, like my heart isnt there in the center of a C++. i dont know how to describe it..

you know the feeling when you're with someone but your heart keeps saying he's not the one and there's someone else waiting for you out there?

yeah that.

im feeling BENL is more like my cup of tea. my knights in shining amour, the savior of my broken dreams. okay, haha. what now, no challenges? i think i prefer something i love rather than something who keeps challenging me. because when i love something, i can really commit.

i wouldn't mind not getting enough sleep and all other yadayada because i know it's worth the sacrifice. when you love someone, would you sacrifice for him or her? i know i would. same thing goes to this course. i'd like to chase "him" now, and make "him" mine for the rest of my life, and cater to "him" in any ways i could afford.

this is my only shot. really hope i could turn it around this time.

pray for me dear friends..

"i loved you so much that i thought coming back to you after my death would be my heaven. but maybe..maybe im your hell."

im a survivor.

last 15th december marked exactly one month of us being completely apart. through the days i gained more and more strength each days with the support from beloved family and friends. his departure really felt like part of my body was missing, that i was paralyzed, both inside and outside. what's more with having to see him everyday in class, both pretending not to even notice the existence of each other, me lying against the wall and him walking pass me by saying out loud things to show he has really move on. like im not there. like he's not there. couldn't believe this is how our story ends. so tragic. not that i regretted it, i just feel like i have to find a way to feel sorry for myself.

i forgot where have i pushed away the athirah ramzi i used to know before i met him.

apart of me is still there, you can refer to my post in about athirah. but another part of it is somehow missing. like i came out undone, like some part of me is actually dead, like im not the same as any other girl i saw everywhere. i hate this feeling. i could hate myself, punish and torture myself for having this feeling, i could choose to walk alone and out of the blue cry in public, i could snap a couple who's walking pass me by and said to them "get a room", i could print his pictures and cut his head out, i could do millions other stupid things and then feel stupid for nothing.

to feel stupid is one of many free things you can get. no price, just the act.

and then i held my head up again, thought to myself, at what cause would i do these stupid things?

haven't i felt stupid enough to fell in love with him in the very first place and got stood up eventually?

sesungguhnya perasaan itu telah lama mati.

and yes, i need to stop feeling sorry for myself when i read all the annoying show off posts of how she loves him and him missing her updates in facebook, and who's gonna accompany my boring sunday when everyone's out and my besties are busy with studies, and whatever. come on la tira, tak boleh hidup ke takde boyfriend? pfft.

don't let your life ruined when it is practically ruined.

create another.

do things you haven't try before.

make everyone around you beaming and smiling with your lame jokes.

sit in front in class (cept lab class) and focus on what the lecturer says, not what you think the lecturer had for breakfast or did he ironed his attire before he came to work.

don't let your mind wander when you smell vanilla or saw an afro.

learn to fall in love with mathematics, not that econs or kaed guy.

spend wisely my dear. not more than rm10 per day. your parent isnt working anymore.

live healthy. jogging 3 times a week.

tuesday morning: jogging evening: swimming

wednesday morning: jogging evening: back from class at 5 plus, nak mati jogging lagi?

thursay morning: jogging evening: swimming

friday morning: ba ba ba baaaaaaaalikk!

eyes refreshment? sure you can do that but dont let what you saw sink in to your heart!

sebab saya boleh mati kalau kena tinggal lagi sekali. seriouuuss. sudah-sudahla tu.

postpone assignments? you can do it if you feel like you just wanna live in a cheap flat your entire life.

be nice, be friendly, be you. not what you think she / he would like you to be, not like some hot girl you watch in television. be athirah ramzi. they cant accept you when you've done nothing wrong, their issue to solve. not yours.

be lively! do not let people see you as weak. do not let him see you as weak. you are NOT weak. you're strong! you're a fighter! you lose, you stand up again and fight for your life! until the last day you held your breath, nothing will come your way to make you feel like dying again.

you have Allah, talk to Him. He will listen. He will understand more than anybody else. He will help. He will. He will. He will.

have faith athirah!

berkhidmat untuk negara.

simple saturday.

last night we had a blast eating subway and then sorang sorang tersungkur di medan perang when everyone's bloating full. today im supposed to go to my senior's wedding but since i have no company so i gotta turn it down..and follow mum and dad to our neighbor's wedding instead.

apparently mum has 4 wedding invitations today and the last one would be at taman tun, tonight, so she asked me to send her and dad there and hang out at OU while waiting for them back from the wedding.

so i have the perks to watch avatar tonight, seems like appealing to me when everyone keeps praising the movie.

owh, the maths! completed 7 questions out of 40 plus perhaps? okay easy tira easy..soon as you're back from the wedding afterwards YOU MUST COMPLETE AT LEAST ANOTHER HALF.

woke up today feeling cooollldd!! hard to stay awake. hard to even move cause im getting lazier by the minutes!

better take my bath now. tata!

let me watch you.

recently i answered the psychometric quiz at the counseling booth to determined my style of learning. to my dismay, i scored 11 for visual learner, 2 for audio learner, and 3 for kinesthetic.

i was amused when the counselor explained to me about my learning style, which almost entirely accurate, she asked me this question beforehand "you must be one good girl aren't you?" i just smiled. she then asked ratna and shat, (ratna scored mostly for audio while shat for kinesthetic) "how is she (referring to me) in her room? must be the ayu type right?" ratna and shat just looked at me and nod. then the counselor explained further.

NO WONDER I TEND TO DREAM A LOT!

and no wonder i NEED to write down anything i feel or think or even when im discussing something with someone, a diagram or mindmap must always be right in front of me! below are the list of characteristics of a visual learner:

Characteristics of the Visual Learner

· Learns best when information is presented visually and in a picture or design format.

· Benefits from instructors who use visual aids such as film, video, maps and charts

· Benefits from information obtained from the pictures and diagrams in textbooks

· Tend to like to work in a quiet room and may not like to work in study groups

· When trying to remember something, can often visualize a picture of it in their mind

· May have an artistic side that enjoys activities having to do with visual art and design

· May not remember verbal directions

· Often asks to have questions or instructions repeated

· Frequently appears to daydream during class or lecture

· Watches others when directions are given and then follows their lead

· Often dislikes music class and prefers art class

· Prefers to do demonstrations rather than to tell, explain or report on a subject

· May misunderstand instruction and other material presented verbally

· Often dislikes speaking in front of groups

· Is good at spelling but forgets names.

· Needs quiet study time.

· Has to think awhile before understanding lecture.

· Likes colors & fashion.

· Dreams in color.

· Reader/observer

· Scans everything; wants to see things, enjoys visual stimulation

· Daydreams; a word, sound or smell causes recall and mental wandering

· Usually takes detailed notes

· May think in pictures and learn best from visual displays

this is so accurate. freaky.

new year.

fug. last minute cancellation from SLEU for the kuantan's camping trip. due to unexpected number of participant.

to do this weekend:

- do maths assignment

- attending senior aka jiran depan bilik during first sem kat pj which is kak shahida's wedding

- swimsuit hunting!!

- that's all?

btw today mark the first day of Muharram in Islam's calendar. a brand new year. new book, definitely. im bored of ranting about visions and dreams and all that because to change we just have to have the purest intention and effort. no point in writing down endlessly when i have no effort to start with. i know i wanna be a better girl in all possible ways, this time around.

praise to Allah SWT for saving me and took me away from the darkness of the past, and give me one more chance to improve myself. Alhamdulillah..

to You i came for help

to You i seek strength

if everyone in this world is fated to leave me and i have to be alone,

please do not leave me Ya Allah

stay by my side

i need Your love and guidance

open up for me all the right path

ease down the journey of my life

please, please, please....

amin Ya Rabbal Aalamin..

exciting weekends.

wahh! i woke up early today feeling fresh! must be cause of early crash last night. today im goin back to campus right after lunch..just finished packing my stuff and dancing to meet me halfway song with my nieces. haha yeah, that's how we roll.. :)

next friday im goin to a camping trip at duta village resort kuantan. the best part is it's a beach resort aaand, im goin there with all my girls! soooo excited! gonna enjoy my weekend with them and in the same time get to know peeps from other courses, its time to mingle yo. *giggles*

then, the following thursday, a day before christmas, im goin to ili's place for a sleepover together with our baby sister shamin, and the next day we are goin to rumah nur salam to do some volunteering works for the needy children there. we gonna spend the night at ili's wrapping presents and sorting giveaway books into boxes. it's goin to be fun fun fun! ;)

and later, we gonna have some lunch at a japanese restaurant. i think i wanna try the ramen noodle.

so that's it, till next post dear diary! tataaaa ^^